Canada Basketball got screwed by FIBA, Finland, and... Angry Birds?

A re-enactment of  the Rovio-FIBA "sponsorship".

It's a boring Saturday afternoon. I'm sitting here watching Team USA destroy Team Finland on the opening day of the FIBA World Cup, and I'm wondering "how the heck did this Finland team even qualify for this tournament?" Because they are getting absolutely pummeled. 

My next thought was "I wonder what group Canada is in?" 

Well, I must not have been paying much attention in the spring, when the qualifiers were announced, because Canada did not qualify for the tournament. That's right; Canada, Land of the First Overall Picks, did not qualify. Shameful, I thought. We should be watching Wiggins & Co. get pummeled by Team USA, not those blond-haired, blue-shirted Finns! How could this happen?



Apparently, there were four wildcard teams, selected for the tournament by FIBA themselves. (Yes, I'm a little late on this. I'm realizing I need to follow international basketball more closely.) The teams, chosen by FIBA from those that did not qualify through regional tournaments, included powerhouses Turkey, Greece, Brazil, and... FINLAND?

FIBA chose 39th-ranked Finland over 25th-ranked Canada, straight up.  "How could this be?" I wondered. Does Finland have a rich basketball history? Do they have some NBAers who's grandfather visited Finland once, making them eligible for the National team? (My initial guesses were Kyle Korver or Jimmer Freddette.) 

But no, the real reason 39th-ranked Finland was chosen over Canada? Angry Birds. Seriously.

Rovio, the corporate entity that took a simple iPhone app and turned it into a shitty merchandising empire, bribed FIBA into selecting their home country Finland by promising "to provide advertising inventory in its ground-breaking mobile entertainment platform to the Wolfpack and the 2014 FIBA World Cup, if Finland is selected," and then were bold enough to put out a press release announcing they had successfully completed their bribe. 

FIBA picked Finland over Canada, it's multiple star players, and it's viewing audience that is six times larger than Finland's, so they could have stupid advertisements pop-up while kids and old people fling cartoon birds around. I wish I was making this up.

(Full disclosure - Russia also could've been picked too. In fact, one could argue they were more likely to be chosen than Canada. But for all the past success they've had, they're definitely on a downswing compared to Canada's roster full of rising stars. And they BOTH are more deserving than Finland.)

So, what can we take away from this? For one thing, FIBA is following in big-brother FIFA's footsteps by becoming corrupt, money-hungry bastards. Just another example of big business and big money ruining sports.

Another thing: The Finnish Basketball team probably shouldn't take the blame for this. They seem pretty nice, letting USA beat them by 50+ points and all.

Another: Rovio sucks even more than I previously imagined. Stay out of our basketball - stick to ruining your own game.

My final thought: Why wasn't there more outrage at this in Canada? This seems like big news. How has nobody called out FIBA for this? Why did Drake not say something?! 

So over the next few weeks, sit back and enjoy the FIBA World Cup if you must. Enjoy watching USA run roughshod over the rest of the field. Enjoy cheering for the closest thing to Canadians in the tourney, Toronto Raptors DeMar DeRozan (USA) and Jonas Valanciunas (Lithuania). 

But because of a corrupt governing body and a very annoying iPhone game, we don't get to watch Canadian basketball until Olympic qualifying in the summer of 2015. 

That's bird shit.